(IIWII) My Future is Uncertain.

I feel it has reached that point when I should probably make a post on this. I probably won't go into details regarding this, but, here it is.


My 'issues' have recently undergone an escalation that is, well, quite extreme. Violence. I am not a violent person by nature, but it has escalated to the point when I am now venting the emotions through the use of force. Quite extreme force, actually. With regards to that, it's not aimed at a person (fortunately, though that is for now), but property. I put a hatchet through the plasterboard wall in my house and shot up a photo with a BB gun, along with drilling holes through it. That photo was of me, my mum and my sister. I drilled the holes through my face, how poetic. I guess the feeling was to remove me from 'their' lives. Oh well.


Anyway, I sent a bunch of threatening messages to my mum (the passive aggressive kind), I won't go into details here, though this entire escalation was caused by this, which was than 'ignited' by my mum's reaction to me neglecting (again) to do my chores in the house - which I felt was a bit insensitive given how I felt that day (lack of motivation). Anyway, she left to go to her partner's house after of which I sent the messages, since I felt she was ignoring me. Honestly, given how I screamed in her face and scared her, I would probably ignore me, too. The thing is, Sash was in Edge Sash mode then, and Edge Sash is getting worse and worse each day that passes. Good thing I started my Therapy again.


I am digressing. The point is, that she phoned me to talk the next day, since I said she 'had 24 hours' before I destroy more of the house if she didn't talk to me. Her partner intervened on the call and essentially threatened to get the police involved over my criminal damage and threats. I don't really blame him, from his perspective, this looks really bad. I would have done the same in his position. So I don't hold it against him, he's a really nice guy honestly, treats my mum extremely well.


But this isn't about him. He needs to take a step back and understand this is a personal issue that the authorities cannot fix.


So the ultimate point of this post is, if they decide to get the authorities involved, I will escalate the situation to the extreme. And that will put my future, the future of this website and the future of Sash in general, in question. Because I have made it very clear I am not leaving this house either A) alive, or B) willingly and conscious. And I have a fair amount of tools at my disposal to ensure I can achieve this goal.


I don't want it to end this way, but I fear it might. I have given my mother a choice. I have offered to pay for all the damages and resume my therapy (which I cancelled because I didn't want to pay for it). Maybe I can get through this, but if not, then it is the end.


But it will not have come too soon for me, I have been waiting for this for a long time.


And it will be glorious.

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