I think I have mentioned this before, maybe in passing, maybe in more detail, either way I will mention it again here.
I feel like I'm on a journey that has a definitive end (no, I am not talking about life in general which technically fits that criteria). I feel like my journey will 'end' sooner than when my organic body expires. The problem is, I don't feel like I'm able to change the course of that journey. I can't really explain it, but it's something existential, something dreadful, something 'wrong' with my life as it is now.
I recognise the approximate framework for the fundamental issues causing this feeling, but I won't be detailing them here, at least not now, in this post.
My journey towards that 'end' seems to be accelerating, not slowing down or remaining the same pace; an alarming trend indeed. Yet I feel powerless to change the course, largely because I've been 'dealing' with this issue by pretending it's not an issue and hoping my life will magically adjust itself and everything will be fine.
Just another day, Ash. Tomorrow will be better, won't it?
I do realise this 'train' terminates at a very undesirable station, so to speak... Maybe I don't want to change course? Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm too scared to face my fears and make the changes? Or maybe it's something else, something else entirely and here we are - yet another loop in the endless jumps of the race of coping with a distinct lack of control.
Sounds about right.