I haven't got a plan for this post. It's being typed from how I feel in the wake of one of my "mood swings" that I used to call them. For a long time I have been afflicted with an unknown 'insanity' that I couldn't identify. If you have read my blog over the last couple of years, you may have noticed this. A lot of the outwardly actions, including posts here on my blog, are the result of developed coping mechanisms to deal with intense emotional pain that absolutely cripples my ability to function normally. For me, these emotions are mainly grief, dysphoria, anger and hatred.
For a long time I've struggled with controlling my emotions, and I have often felt that the intensity of my emotional responses are incredibly high. I didn't have a lot to compare this to, with very little real-life contact with other humans, aside from my mother, I am quite isolated. Historically, they would manifest in situations where one might feel sadness or upset, but for me, it would be intense grief, almost as if I had lost a loved one right there and then.
A historical example of this would be a memory from my childhood that as stuck with me, despite a lot of disassociation with my somewhat traumatic experience back then. I remember watching a Holocaust documentary about Jewish people in World War 2, under the Nazi regime. I remember watching historical facts about what happened and I remember breaking down into tears of intense grief and upset, it crippled me. I felt as if I personally knew every one of the victims. I mean, most people would find it upsetting, but for me, I was unable to function. I cried for hours, I was angry, I wanted to lash out. But I was powerless.
In more recent times, news reports of murders, rapes, etc, would fill me with such intense rage and anger I could no longer function. Every single feeling was at maximum, it felt entirely personal, as if those crimes had been conducted against my own family. The powerlessness was extremely prominent, and often fuelled the anger like pouring gasoline on a fire.
The events in Ukraine in the last week have had a similar effect on me. Reading ignorant peoples' comments on YouTube videos has the same effect. It crushes me, I become filled with violent rage, oftentimes, I have to come away or I may very well damage my equipment.
For a while I thought maybe I had some kind of emotional connection to people, or events, but I never really explored it. In recent years, with events mirroring my childhood abuse but with members of my own family, I feel these issues have become far worse. My mental health has deteriorated to the point when I often no longer feel safe in my own mind. I am quite open about the self harm, and quite pragmatic about it. For me, self harm is one of the only ways I can deflect the emotional pain I experience in these phases - especially when I am alone (when my mother is out of the house) since that exacerbates the issue for me. I rarely feel huge emotions when I self harm, it's usually a numbness, a focus on the physical pain, along with a gratification that I cannot easily explain.
I do not do a lot of damage, but I like to see my own blood. It is an almost instant relief for me. I have to do it. Thoughts of suicide are present, but my existential fear of death keeps them in check for now. When the mood swing ends, my emotions trail off and I slowly recover, almost within an hour sometimes (especially if I force myself to go to bed and close my eyes) and then, I feel absolutely fine until the next emotional trigger.
This has been going on for at least 10 years, likely further back, and I only recently connected the dots. I have an almost 'text book' case of Borderline Personality Disorder with an emphasis on the affective dysregulation aspect. It has been such a huge problem for me, that I immediately sought medical advice from my therapist and have since been diagnosed with BPD. Not only that, but my mother recalls from my teenage years and later, how perfectly this behaviour pattern fits into that criteria. Even my few friends that can tolerate my constant "splitting" coping mechanism, agree that it is almost irrefutable I am afflicted with this personality disorder.
This largely explains my coping mechanisms, such as posts like this. In fact, my blog is filled with constant posts referring to how I have "split" from friends online, or have extreme emotional instability. All you have to do is read all the "Sash Crap" posts, or whatever, and connect the dots. It's fairly obvious.
The thing is, knowing your enemy is half the battle, so a famous individual once said. For me, this is extremely important. The diagnosis and frankly text-book match of symptoms allows me to logically understand that I am afflicted with a disorder; not just simply descending into madness as I thought I was. It allows me to rally my thoughts and focus them. Because the enemy in my mind has now been revealed.