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(IIWII) I know where my journey is going, but I can't change the course.

A slow realisation that I'm heading down a terrible path yet I am powerless to alter my course and avoid the outcome. I know where this is going, I can see it; it's played out like a book for the last decade or so. Each day that passes it gets worse, each day it gets more extreme and yet, here I am, typing on this blog with no way to take remedial action. Maybe I don't want to? Or maybe I just don't know how.


It's emotions. They've been the cause of all of these problems. Anxiety, Fear, Grief... anger. The extreme nature of these psychological forces pushes me down a terrible path, a turbulent, unstable path that leads only to the same ultimate outcome - even if the variations of said path are a little different along the way. The result is the same.


It's going to end in a spectacular manner, and there's apparently nothing I can do about it.


I'm typing this as a way of trying to simply cope with the onset of depression, which brings with it, grief, anger, anxiety, restlessness. Dysphoria, identity crisis; all the things associated with my broken personality. I see them, I know them, but I am absolutely, uncontrollably bound by their influence.


And each day that influence gets stronger. Like a slow-burning ember growing with each passing day, waiting for the moment when petrol is tipped over it. Forgive the crude expression, but right now, that's all I can think of. At some point, that fire is going to have petrol tipped on it and there's nothing I can do to stop it burning out of control.


I know who I blame, but it doesn't even matter anymore. Blaming people doesn't fix anything, it doesn't help at all. I think it does, but it doesn't.


I feel volatile, unstable. I feel there's an element of madness growing like a cancer within this emotional turmoil, something that drives me to lash out at society and humanity as if to break free from its oppressive grip.


There is more to say here, but I've had enough with this post.


The best thing to do now is to sleep, but I won't, and I'll probably do something stupid, as I always do.



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