Sash's broken Social complex

I am completely, utterly broken with regards to how I behave in social situations to the point where I just can't continue living my life like this.


So here's how it works.


Boot-lick.

I'm a chronic people pleaser, or boot licker. Not just to people I love, but to anyone. I've mentioned this before. When I'm in a happy state of mind; it compels me to boot lick all those around me. And it's not just being a "yes-man", it's giving compliments, saying how great they are and how important they are. And how nothing is their fault and everything is my fault.


This is a symptom of my defensive complex developed at school during bullying, whereby I was less likely to be abused if I was a complete 'simp' for people.


It's become less about anxiety and more of a habit these days. I don't feel worried people close to me will abuse me, instead, I simply feel compelled to simp them because it's what I do when I'm happy. It's an overwhelming urge.


Unfortunately this can create superiority complexes in some people who take the simping to heart and use it to justify superiority over me. That's happened before.


This boot licking phase will then be replaced by an apathetic phase or a resentment phase whereby I feel overwhelming frustration and anger, even hatred, for those closest to me.


Everything they do annoys me. It feels like they are against me all the time. I criticise and attack at every opportunity.


Then I might have a "Normal" phase, then rinse and repeat.


This is because I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder, I've already typed about how I feel it started, but what is clear, is that I am completely socially broken.


This entire freaking blog is littered with hints as to my emotional volatility. It's a text book case yet I'm powerless to do anything. I'm self aware but all I can do is watch as it tears my life apart.






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