(Sash Thoughts) How much value is there in my own ability to assess the effectiveness of types of support?

Just how much value is there in my ability to determine usefulness of a given action and how said action effects me personally? Just how much value do I have in those decisions and outcomes?

Apparently, not a particularly large amount.

I'm not going into details on specifics here (though involved parties will have almost no trouble extrapolating those details - yet I still edited the original title to be more... obscure), but I am rather tired of being gaslighted (convinced to question my own judgement) into agreeing to do things I really don't want to do, or think will be helpful.

That last part is important; it's not just me being stubborn and, a favourite talking point, 'not coming out of my comfort zone'; it's the fact that I genuinely don't believe it would be helpful. The only outcome would be making me uncomfortable.

Perhaps I should go into more details, particularly for context. But I'm not sure if I will right now. I guess we will see as the post develops, because it's 2:45 AM, I just woke up, the effects of my meds are but a distant dream at this point. So I will do what I usually do and 'roll with it'.

I have a lot of experience in judging if actions will be helpful in a long-term and pragmatic way for me. A lot of experience. I'm not getting any younger and I've done a lot of support programs and made a lot of effort to overcome this one specific issue I have. All of which has been futile because the root of this issue is so heavily embedded in me and is frequently actively reinforced that I'm not sure I know where to draw the line between anxiety and misanthropy.

Okay, so that last paragraph probably gave away where this is going. Yeah, it's about those two-legged things walking around outside. Of course it is. sigh.

I'm gonna try and be concise here, since the coherency of this post already leaves a lot of be desired.

The only outcome of a directed 3+-way video call with random strangers on specific days for two weeks I have never met before, regardless of the topic, is going to be making me extremely uncomfortable on aforementioned days, for two weeks.

And, honestly, I am so sick and tired of being gaslighted into believing that my own stubbornness to not wanting to do these things is the cause of all my issues, and that, somehow magically, doing the aforementioned will immediately cure me of all my issues.

But, alas, that is the way it is. It is in fact part of my issue to 'appease' people by agreeing with things I don't want to, just to prevent perceived conflict. And, of course, if I take a stand and refuse to do those things, I will then be gaslighted into believing that I am the only obstacle to my issues.

Do I need to explain why I believe it won't be helpful? Because, honestly, no one listens to what I say directly (perhaps because I'm so agreeable due to anxiety), but they might if I type it here.

Let's make sub-headings! They're all the rage right now. With that AI-bullshit literally everywhere, and no, Wix, I will not use AI to write my blog posts. What's even the point of having a blog if you get a computer algorithm to create content for it? Oh yeah - cheap and easy monetisation. (Digression detected, maybe I will write another post about that).

Insanity.

Forgive the overused, cliché quote.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Though it's quite applicable here. Counter-point: Perhaps I am the barrier and the results will happen if I change my attitude? Where does one draw the line between the concepts of not wanting to help myself and ineffective approach? Because apparently that line is quite hard to define. Regardless, it's a popular point of gaslighting.

Pragmatism.

I'm going to give you another quote, this time it's from one of my favourite characters in Warframe. (This wouldn't be the first Warframe quote I've used recently, actually).

Be more pragmatic in all aspects of life.

Instead of trying to fix the unfixable, perhaps one should look to working around it? Because there are plenty of ways to be successful without being a socially active people-loving stage-performer (forgive the hyperbole, it's how I cope with emotions). There are plenty of jobs out there that do not involve large amounts of human interaction, and there are plenty of ways I can 'come out of my shell' (Maybe I am the shell? I can't come out of myself), without exposing myself to uncomfortable situations with human beings. Maybe?

Maybe it's a matter of the type of support I am to receive? Maybe, instead of trying to fix my innate fear of human beings that has been systematically installed into my brain through reinforcement learning (to this day, maybe a post on that later?) over the last 20 years, it would be a better idea to support me in finding a stable job role that accommodates my issues?

Or just gaslight me into believing that my social anxiety is fleeting and curable, and that I am the only barrier to my success. That works too. Let's do that.