Craving Attention, Rage when I don't get it

Part of my Hostile Thought Process that I was too "upset" to type in the previous post, but don't want to edit it because that came from the core. There are some more things that can trigger stage 3, not just refusal to give sympathy.


It can also occur when I am not the centre of attention. I have long tried deny my status as an attention seeker, but it is absolutely true. I crave the attention, mostly of the sympathetic kind. An example would be this friend I have called Maik, if you read my blog you probably heard his name before. he is a really nice person who I honestly don't deserve. I had to block him tonight to cut off the process of trauma dump attention seeking. I want to CRY because he is one of the only people that accepted me for who I am but he feeds the Demon within, with his emotional energy. I had to stop it. I can't have friends - either they leave or I make them leave.


Now listen. The example I was going to give was he was like me at first, he was shy and didn't have many friends. He then found another friend playing a game I don't really like the look of. I became so enraged that Maik had someone else and wasn't giving his full attention to me. I felt BETRAYED. I shouldn't feel betrayed, where did the anger and emotion come from? It came from the Demon that was fed by him for so long. His sympathy, bless his heart, was simply feeding the demon as I sucked him dry of emotional energy daily, making it worse and worse each day. I HAD to cut it off somehow. And I had to lose the best friend I ever met online in the process. I had to. I feel tears but the anger keeps them at bay for now.


Every time Maik would play with this other friend I would feel anger. Rage. Sadness. Jealousy. Betrayal. The emotions so strong it would overwhelm me and could change my mood from positive to the worst possible state in the blink of an eye. The feel is physical. As I said in my previous post, it starts in my stomach as butterfly feeling and makes its way upwards, causing me to shake and feel like the blood is not getting to my head as easily (light headed). In this state I am prone to doing things I later regret, a lot.


I even went into a group chat with Maik and this other friend of his, and I said something really stupid about Maik being mine only, which was supposed to be dry joke, but maybe it was just the Demon voicing itself through my text? because that is EXACTLY how I felt about this person. JEALOUSY on another level, Maik is MINE. I won't post the feelings I had and the things I wanted to do because they are disturbing, inducing psychosis levels of Fucked Up.


I am insane.


There are so many situations where I have felt betrayal over not being the centre of attention of someone I like. Even my mother getting a partner and 'moving on' fills me with rage. How dare she leave me in my pit without feeding the Demon its tithe of EMOTIONAL ENERGY every single FUCKING DAY I LIVE?


Get the Fuck Out of My Head. Autism is one thing, Anxiety is another, but this is an entirely new level of Fucked Up Bullshit. And now I am alone, contemplating many, many things.


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