I'm pretty upset typing this. I don't really have any other outlet in my life, so it goes here. I'm sure some people are well aware of that, yes, you, Aunt Shitstine who I passionately hate - something that has grown into an unhealthy hostile obsession. How I would love to type paragraphs and paragraphs here about how much I hate you, but that would violate so many rules. Not today.
Today, I will post about the thought process that Fucks with my brain to extreme levels, one that I have spent a lot of time analysing over the years. I have become self-aware of it, to the point where I can identify triggers and accurately predict what I will feel in certain situations before the emotional charge kicks in. That bit is important because when I am charged I have absolutely no control over what happens.
Sasha is insane, I just hide it really well.
Stage 1.
Emotional Trauma Dumping on Friends.
The first stage might take a while to develop, but it is inevitable. I am quite capable of making friends, but I cannot keep them. After a short period where I feel comfortable and happy with my new friend (met online, I do not leave my house in reality), I will begin to leech on their emotional energy by (most often late at night) having episodes of depression where I dump on the friend, all of my 'issues' and how Shit my life is, in order to facilitate a sympathetic response - something I subconsciously crave to an extent I can't describe. I LUST for it.
Stage 2.
Friend provides sympathetic attention.
Stage 2 can be delayed depending on the personality traits of the friend. However, for the most part, the friend will be sympathetic towards me from the get-go, providing the attention I crave (feeling sorry for me). Alternatively, some people don't tolerate it from the start and this goes straight to Stage 3. Some really emotionally charged people will prolong Stage 2 for quite some time, feeding back into the 'loop' and making each episode even stronger the past as I fall into a complex of self-hatred, self-pity and the lust for the friend's sympathy grows each passing day. Eventually, it becomes so severe that the friend buckles and refuses to give any more sympathetic attention or emotional energy.
Stage 3.
Friend refuses to be sympathetic, aggression sets in.
When the friend refuses to give me the attention I crave, I get angry. Not just a little bit angry, but extremely angry. The aggression knows no bounds and can go from being outwardly 'hurt' to wanting to make death threats in the space of a few minutes. I can feel the anger building up. It starts in my stomach, as the well-documented 'butterfly' feeling, then slowly builds up, moving up my spine into my head where I feel 'light headed' and then I start shaking. At this point there is no limit, literally no limit, to what I will do and say.
The anger is based on a connection in brain that puts all of the shit that has ever happened to me (school, family, etc) on this one, single individual. That is, I feel an uncontrollable urge to blame them for every single fucking shitty thing in my entire life. That is a LOT of anger. In real situations, I fear for what I would do - because so far, this has only happened remotely online.
The driving force of the anger involves flashbacks to being bullied at school, almost 'channelling' the anger of the 'helplessness' of that situation into a "I don't have to take this shit from them anymore" attitude, but somehow the target of that anger is the person who simply refused to respond how I wanted to my Trauma Dump. I can sit here and type this and logically categorise every stage of this 'condition', but when it happens, I have no control. The anger is physical. My usual solution is to post something extremely offensive, usually resulting in me being banned (I have been banned from almost all major communities I was part of), and then going to sleep for a few hours, waking up calmer, and regretting the entire situation, because the "friend" has now blocked me, or I blocked them, preventing any further friendship and simply adding to the growing list of "Trauma" that I dump on the next, unsuspecting victim.
I am alone. I have no friends because I push them away with violent mood instability that I have no control over, or I have no motivation to try to exert control over. It's like I have given up with my life. I have given up trying to 'overcome' my issues and instead, I wallow in self-pity at the bottom of a pit of self hatred. A pit I dug myself.
I have gone from blaming the bullies at school, my sister - my aunt - to blaming myself. The sadness and upset turns to anger and rage, every day it gets worse. My mother, the only human left in my life moves on with her new partner, leaving Sash alone in his self-dug pit of self-pity with no will or resolve to attempt to leave it.
Maybe I Want to be in this pit. Maybe my destiny is now to just suck people dry of emotional energy to feed my Demon until the day comes where the cracks appearing in my Soul begin to fracture, revealing the cold, dead heart that turned to stone long ago.
Poetically trauma dumping right now. On you, the unsuspecting reader of this shitty fucking blog.
Fuck You. Fuck All of You.
Now if only I Wasn't such a Fucking Pussy, I could actually Fucking kill myself and get this whole mess over with. But no, I'm too scared of death. So In the Pit I remain
For now..