Updated: Mar 21, 2021
This post is an important one. Normally, I am full of energy and typing I will often put silly things. That is not the case for this post. In this post, I am completely, passionately upset and emotional - but not emotional enough to allow it to cloud my viewpoints.
Edited - cleaned up. Recognised Un-written rule of not leaking chat history without parties' consent.
A bit of backstory about Sash's Problem
As I have stated in the past; I have mental health issues that directly affect my daily life, and outward demeanour to other people. The most notable of these issues is my "Personality Disorder" (which I am not going into details about here), whereby my emotional response to various things in social situations can be extremely strong, and often misinterpret the true meaning of words typed (rarely spoken as I do not use voice chat) by people in text-based messaging applications.
Social Anxiety strikes - The Feedback Loop
My brain takes certain words or statements directed at me (or interpreted as directed at me at the time) and channels them into personal attacks against me. A problem I have is what I know as "stewing"; this is where I will continually think about a particular situation or event, or exchange that I interpreted as hostile (like a stew in a slow cooker) until it bubbles over and I have to vent extremely powerful emotions, usually depression or anger, often at myself or the other parties. After such an event, I calm down usually within a few minutes to half an hour and am able to see the entire thing with significantly more clarity than before. It is during this time that I often apologise to the parties involved and realise I acted in an unacceptable manner. This is an important point to make as I move to the next section.
When I apologise, my brain often shifts to the polar opposite of the mood that triggered the initial reaction - in this phase, I accept responsibility for everything, and I direct all blame to myself, often saying things such as "I am retarded". This behaviour is a feedback loop from the aggression of my emotional outburst during a heated discussion or argument, reversed into Social Anxiety; I do not want people to hate me for what I have done, so I must please them and I will accept blame for everything - even things I do not genuinely consider were my fault.
This has happened before. In this situation, the parties on the receiving end of my emotional outburst receive reinforcement that the entire situation was my fault - as I have just admitted it. Over time, these parties become confident that all the problems are caused by me, and their own arguments and reasoning is flawless. This is a human behaviour I have recognised before (such as with my sister and a close friend) as a direct result of my feedback loop of outburst -> apology. It is highly detrimental to the neutrality of future exchanges.
There have been situations where I have apologised for things that I still vehemently disagree that I was wrong about. Situations where I truly, honestly believe the other party was at fault, yet I have apologised to them nonetheless. This creates a future bias whereby these parties over-estimate the worth of their own positions in upsets such as heated discussions or arguments. It facilitates the notion of "Oh, Sash is just being Sash again" and that I am, by default, always in the wrong.
I am not blaming others for this. Let me make that clear; the entire issue is caused by my complex coping mechanisms for the variety of mental health issues that plague me on a daily basis. I can be extremely caustic, as I have made clear on my blog several times. But on the flip-side, I can also be extremely constructive and contribute a great deal to the discussion - something that is now likely to be completely veiled under the negative aspects of my demeanour; to which I believe is indeed unfairly skewed against me oftentimes.