It's that time again.
Here's a nice, concise list of reasons why talking to people is bad for Sash:
(No particular order)
Vector for my chronic attention seeking.
Primary cause of emotional trigger events.
Socialising & small talk has no functional purpose.
Vector for my chronic procrastination.
Vector for my chronic 'simping' due to phases of extreme unwarranted affection.
Vector for my chronic toxicity due to phases of extreme unwarranted hostility.
Losing money by giving on PayPal and Patreon due to aforementioned 'simping'.
Inability to say 'no' to people asking for things (anything) due to aforementioned 'simping'.
Summary & Conclusion:
I am absolutely sick of being a boot-licker when I have phases of high mood. One of the first things I do is immediately compliment and willingly suck the boots of everyone in my small contact list. Or anyone I'm talking to. Logically, this is likely derived from my social anxiety complex whereby I would 'lick the boots' of the bullies at school in order to minimise the abuse directed at me. My brain probably feels I have to boot lick all my friends so they won't turn on me, or stop being my friend.
I've given away thousands of pounds worth of equipment doing this before, back when I wasted all my 21st birthday savings on useless computer crap, then gave it all away to simp to people I don't even talk to anymore. Recently, the Patreon subs were mostly impulsive ways of trying to 'increase my social standing' in certain communities and feel accepted. There is little to no tangible return for these investments, however. I do not have the spare money to go throwing it at people to try and buy friendship.
The attention seeking is something extreme. Trying to solicit sympathy by 'trauma dumping' on friends or contacts is an issue for me. But also just typing random stuff and weird stuff to try and get a reaction. For some reason I feel absolutely compelled to try and solicit a response from essentially anyone. My 'excuse' is because I'm lonely, but I don't even know if that's true anymore. Maybe I'm just an attention whore.
Oh, and the inability for me to say no to people is worth mentioning. This is focused mostly around a few real-life scenarios. I don't struggle with it as much online though it does happen. Usually, this is caused by me offering to do something overly nice due to my need to be extremely affectionate for no reason, then not being able to rescind the offer when I realise it's not worth it, or puts me at a significant disadvantage, for fear of upsetting the person.
Conclusion is pretty simple. Since there's absolutely no way in hell I can fix these issues or power through the anxiety, the only solution is to cut off all communication with human beings entirely. I don't want to talk nor listen to anyone ever again.
It's a shame because I'm not a recluse by nature. But it has to be that way due to what I've become.