I've typed about War Thunder here before, and I think it's funny that the opening sentence to the post titled 'anger' is a mention of this game, but, alas, here we are. Now, War Thunder itself isn't the root cause of this post nor the anger mentioned within, but it is a catalyst for its rapid onset.
I don't want to talk about War Thunder right now, so I'm going to get down to the core of this issue. The issue is, of course, the Personality Disorder that I am afflicted with. I am emotionally unstable and broken to an extreme level that in some situations can be physically dangerous for me and those around me.
I have a tendency to go from calm to wanting to maximum possible rage (of such I will not be disclosing the nature of in this post) in an instant. The emotional volatility can result in minor inconveniences triggering the most intense rage possible (Physical rage). I have had a few bad games in War Thunder (I want to type a lot of very negative things but I won't) that has triggered this response which has spilled over to things unrelated to the game.
For example, I've wanted to be passive-aggressive-negative to someone for a while (I have my reasons) and I've not had the courage to do it until now, where I have apparently exploited my rage induced by a video game. I also wanted to destroy things and cause actual physical harm to those that argued against me.
This is problematic. Typing about it has helped somewhat alleviate the anger but I still feel it, it is physical anger. I feel the anger inside me, building up like trapped steam, ready to explode outwards. And as it subsides, I slowly return to a neutral state - this may take hours, the anger doesn't go away. No, it remains inside with a slightly tighter seal that will one day, explode outwards again.
The intensity of the rage within is not something I can reasonably describe with words here. But take my word for it, that, this rage is of the strongest most extreme kind possible. The kind of rage where you'd throw your entire life away for the sake of venting it towards those you feel responsible.
And I know some people who, while not entirely responsible; are most certainly complicit in the cause of my broken personality.
My greatest strength to this day, remains my ability to identify my own issues and talk about them. Self awareness, unfortunately, is not something that many people can claim to possess. Especially not those mentioned above. My issue isn't realising I have a problem; it's my powerlessness and helplessness to do anything about it.
I need help.