Sash in bed. 5PM. Thought unloading process.
This post will serve as an outlet for raw Sash-Thoughts at 5PM, from within the warm confines of the blanket land with the pillows and plushies that are snuggable and fuzzy. It is within this place, that Sash emits thoughts that often plague Sash.
Why am I typing this? What thought processes drive it? I don't know for sure. I never know. I never knew, what it was that was hiding in the shadows behind the Sash-Mind, all these years. Clawing at the inside of my skull.
This post is yet another manifestation of that clawing. It doesn't even make sense. All I can describe it as, a sense of dysphoric thought processes that drive me to extremely dark places within my own Mind. Self hatred is at the forefront. Dysphoria about the world I live in. About the human beings I share that world with.
Conflicting thoughts on subjects that define the very nature of my behaviour. Mostly concerning interaction with other humans. Even online. In fact, online interaction has amplified the issues I have to the extreme.
Issues that are embedded into the very core if the way my brain interfaces between another conscious being and the mind that constitutes "me", whatever that even is.
Even alone, without any notion of publishing these thoughts, I cannot face them. I can't even entertain the idea in a sandbox reality within my mind, because I have been conditioned so severely to behave the way I do, that the very thought of the notion of defying it is hostile and alien.
Social anxiety hasn't just held my development as a person, back, it has corrupted the very core of who I am and how I interact with others.
I need a breakthrough. But I fear it will be extreme.