So I'm typing this after just publishing Episode 6 of my ROE series which I'm really happy with. I'm really excited to bring my universe and stories to life with 3D graphics animations. This is just the beginning for me. I have BIG plans for this.
Anyway I'm typing this post because I'm sat here feeling like fucking shit for a very specific, and well-known reason. If you somehow read my blog before you'd know what that problem is. It feels like one of those addictions or being stuck in an abusive relationship where you always think "It'll be OK next time" or you get so high on your very strong dosage of anti-depressants that every day, you feel you are strong enough to wade through that cesspool of social excrement. Probably more of the latter. It's also closely related to other issues I've got that are mostly derived from this.
I'm not going into details here, because I frankly can't be fucking bothered nor do I want to regurgitate the usual drivel about thus subject. In fact, I don't really know why I'm typing this at all.
My problem is how fickle I am, especially with emotionally-drive mood-dependent perspectives that can be polar opposites. Some might call that cognitive dissonance, but I call it serotonin reuptake inhibition and an artificial sense of how happy I should feel about everything, including people, that invokes a long-established and apparently utterly irresistible urge to display overt affection for those I feel are my friends.
The 'meta' is that I know some one will read this post and think this entire thing is their fault, or at least, that's what my brain will make me think they think if that makes sense... But it's not. They're just another person caught up in how absolutely broken I am.
This isn't even the cause of the emotions that spurred me to type this post. It's about someone else, someone I've known for a very long time. It's about how I've learned over many years that the vast majority of our upsets are caused by my warped misinterpretations of attitudes towards me, yet, even with that knowledge - I'm powerless to counter the emotional turmoil those misinterpretations create.
It's like seeing all your problems right in front of you, seeing them damaging you, knowing exactly what is causing it and being absolutely powerless to do anything about it.
So I type this, feeling rejected, which evolves into anger and resentment, then ultimately ends up with depression and isolationism before returning to something you might consider "neutral", if such a state even exists in my fucked up brain.
Yet I'm typing this right now with completely acknowledgement that this is likely a flawed interpretation and a completely unjust emotional response - it doesn't fit any facts. Yet here I am, typing this, feeling like shit, and the cycle continues. Closed all the messaging apps, overwhelming desire to reject and block all people I talk to, including close friends, relatives, because somehow this notion of pre-emptively "attacking" people and rejecting them first means I'm in control. I can't be rejected by them if I've already rejected them.
There's only so much self-awareness can do in this battle, and I feel I've hit that limit already. Without the pure willpower required to control myself instead of being a slave to the emotions - which I know are bullshit, there's very little I can do now.
So, life goes on. I keep riding the train. Can't get off, train can't stop. It's a one-way ticket to wherever it's going. And there's jack fucking shit I can do about it.