(IIWII) Self Fulfilling Prophecy

It is, by definition, a Self Fulfilling Prophecy. This "script" I have laid out for myself in life. A script that I must follow. I am so convinced that I must follow it, I have learned so many times that doing otherwise leads to fucked up shit. It has become a Self Fulfilling Prophecy. What am I talking about, you ask? Or, no one asks, because no one reads this shit. Regardless, what I am trying to say is; when confronted with a situation whereby I am presented with people that I could become friends with and become part of a community, I become terrified and abandon it entirely. I shut it down, I run away in fear. I pretend it never happened. Ignore them, maybe block them. Why? Why do you do this?


The psychology is pretty simple really. Every time I have tried to involve myself in a community, it has failed. Not just in a minor way, but spectacularly. Involving me being banned and quite often causing weeks of extremely low mood including episodes of self-harm and suicidal thoughts that I, quite frankly, am fucking sick to death of. Pun not intended.


So here's the deal. When one of these situations presents itself to me, even the slightest 'confrontation' with any of these new people can trigger an emotional response on the order of extreme. The 'wave' of emotions that comes over me might as well be the same as if I was back at school, being bullied by the scum that destroyed any chance I have at a normal life. Because that's what bulling and being around narcissistic assholes does to you. And every day I seem to grow more and more bitter on that subject. I hide it well, I have good days. I have days where I am genuinely happy and OK with myself and the world around me. But it's merely a facade, a thin layer of ice sealing a volcano of rage that slowly boils inside me waiting for the next moment that layer of ice is compromised. And I know far too well what happens when it does.


What am I trying to say here? I know, but I don't know if I can go through with typing a clear description of events. It's almost like I am merely typing this just to vent the emotions into 'space' where they will drift away from me and I can repair that ice layer and go back to pretending like I am not completely broken.


Anxiety often puts me in situations that could be interpreted as rude (such as anxiety of reply), which in turn potentially triggers responses from individuals (rightfully, I am not even blaming them for anything. This is entirely on me, which is why it's so depressing) that escalate my emotions and break that ice. When that happens, even the tiniest crack in the ice - I can't deal with it. I just can't. I have to bail. I have to flee.


So that's what I did. I just left. No explanation, nothing. I just left. I know that I can't stay and honestly, I don't want to go back. It could have been something if I wasn't afflicted with this curse but, here I am, most assuredly afflicted. So cannot be so.


And as such, I will continue to push away potential friends and rely on the few, quite simply put, masochistic bastards that actually tolerate Sash and decide to stick around. So here's a shout out to you fuckers. You magnificent assholes.


You know it's Sash's way of showing love.


<3

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