This is part of a series where I will take a moment to look at the people in my life that I really couldn't do this without, not take them for granted, and appreciate what they do for me before I lose them. Because you only know what you have, truly, until after you lose it.
This post is dedicated to one of the oldest friends I have, from school. More than 15 years of friendship between us and he's a veteran of the Inner Circle.
Backstory
As I've gotten older I've become increasingly aware of my own instability, volatility and largely, inability, to maintain healthy relationships with anyone. From friends to immediate family members; I struggle to keep things healthy. Through a variety of unhealthy behaviors drawn from enacting coping mechanisms dealing with issues I've had in my past, to emotional outbursts at seemingly random events and absurd overreactions to the smallest issues.
I'm unstable. You don't have to look far through my blog to see the signs of this. I even had a "should you be friends with Sash" application form that I unironically intended to autistically vet potential friends. Just search my blog for posts containing "people" and you'll see this.
The thing is, I've had a lot of time to reflect on everything that goes on in my head, all the flowing emotions from the underlying Animal Brain Core to the Logical Brain Operating System running atop it; innately and intrinsically bound by the Core's primitive nuances to each and every logical operation.
And I've realised that over the years, I've pushed so many people away because of this. (the links are absolutely non-exhaustive. I don't have posts for about half a dozen people I've pushed away because of mood instability and extremely intense relationship tendencies).
I know how I am. I'm on the first few rungs of self awareness; able to actively identify problems with my thought processes but still unable to actively control them as they happen. I call it 'Retrospectively Self Aware'. I have a long way to go yet.
That brings me to the subject of this post.
All my problems started in Secondary School, a specific one, since my first one was short-lived. I won't go into details about that school, but there was a silver lining to that story: I made a friend there who has stuck with me, through thick and thin, through everything; even before I was able to identify my own mental health issues. That part is EXTREMELY important to highlight.
This friend has stuck with me for more than 15 years. We've had so many emotional moments, and a few moments where I thought I'd lose him for good. I thought I finally pushed him away; but he's always been there, ready to accept me back as a friend and honestly; he's saved my life on more than one occasion through being there for me.
He's not without his own troubles; we both went to the same school and I know he had troubles too. I don't pretend to understand what he went through but I know he had a rough time, too. We both did. Yet he stuck with me. He could have blocked me/ignored me forever. There were times it came close and I don't fucking blame him- I can see that in retrospect. But I am so thankful he was always open to me when I came back to apologise for how I'd reacted in many situations- Retroactive Self Awareness is the first step on my journey to being health mentally).
There is one thing that is extremely important in any relationship. Friends, Family, Lovers, anything. That is: mutual respect and understanding for both parties' needs and health, mental and physical. And there is one thing I've realised more and more recently; I am a detriment to my friend's mental health in so many ways- yet he has never given up on me.
I want to bring up a past friend (online) who I loved a lot but ultimately had to leave me, because of my issues:
But my friend from school, my Borb, as we call each other (it's a typo of bro, and it's sort of stuck :3), he's taken all that shit and still stuck with me. Been there for me. Semi-recently I had a major upset with my mum's partner (he's a lovely man, i have nothing against him, again- my volatility caused this issue) and I Self Harmed excessively and I called my friend. He was at work and he answered my call and he was there for me. He may have saved my life that day because I felt like it was over - what I had said to my mum's partner almost ended the game for me. But my Borb phoned my mum and calmed her down and was there for me. That must have stressed him out so much. He put aside his own difficulties and he was the rock I needed when I needed it.
Borb has done more for me than my fucking father ever did or will.
And I know that. And the time has come where I will step back a moment and say; I don't want to lose Borb. I don't want to keep testing his resolve. Because his mental health is EXTREMELY important and I Care about him so much. I love him like a Brother.
You know, Borb cares about me and my future more than my father ever did, because when borb comes round and we have a good time hanging out (I honestly feel so alive and happy when he's here) - he ALWAYS tries to get me to come out of my shell, always wants to help me improve my anxiety and go outside. He really cares about me in all levels. When Borb gives me something (we have a tech subscription meme lol) the care he puts into making it 100% perfect and stress free for me is insane. And he always makes sure I'm happy, and I always am. he puts so much thought and care into EVERYTHING he does and that is a rare and beautiful trait in today's world. The world needs more people like Borb. There are MANY more BORB qualities that I can put (such as his extensive technical knowledge and how I love asking him questions on complex subject such as nuclear reactors and engineering).
So I need to step back and let Borb have his space. And If you're reading this, borb; this is a tribute to the shit you've dealt with over the years. For being there for me. Here in writing on this blog.
A final note that is really important that I want BORB to read:
I admire you. I have since childhood. I've wanted to be like you from the start of our friendship. To this day, I feel like that.
I will do whatever it takes to make our relationship healthy for us both, but for you specifically considering how I am.
Thanks, borb.
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